Everybody Knows Somebody

Everybody knows somebody…

This is the theme from this year’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (February 24th – March 2nd).

Everybody knows somebody…

Never in a million years did I think that I would ever be that somebody.

But I am.

I have an eating disorder.

I also have a name (Amy), a sense of humour (fart jokes anyone?), a family (my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and cutest nephew in the world!), rockstar friends, an incredible church, a great job, and a sweet little red Ford Fiesta.

I am more than just a somebody, I am somebody. I am more than my eating disorder. And so are the other 30 million or so people in the United States who will struggle with a clinically significant eating disorder at some point in their lives*. They are somebody.

This week, my goal is to help bring awareness to eating disorders in whatever small way I can so that we can start to reduce the stigma and shame attached to these illnesses. Because everybody knows somebody, and everybody IS somebody.

*According to NEDA. Speaking of which, if you want more information or if you are searching for help, please check out the National Eating Disorders Association for more information or call their toll-free hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

Happy Birthday!

Ok. So wishing myself a happy birthday probably seems incredibly narcissistic, but…

There was a time in my life, mostly from the time I was 12 to about 21, where I was fighting to die. I was incredibly angry with God and despised the life He had given me. I had been taught since I was little that our bodies are God’s temple, so I figured the best way to get even with God was to destroy my body as best I could on my way out of this life. It was an actual, concious thought of mine. I did it knowing exactly what I was doing and knowing full well it was wrong. I have no excuse.

But God exists outside of time and space, and He saw through my craziness. He showed incredible grace to me even before I really knew who He was and definitely long before I was willing to seek His forgiveness. I have no doubt that the prayers of many who were interceding on my behalf were a great help, and that the tremendous mercy He showed me was directly related. I think we sometimes underestimate the power of prayer.

When I finally, in anger and pain and deep sarcasm, prayed, I asked Him to give me a reason to live or to let me die. I had no idea that He would actually take me up on it. And give me both. He allowed me to begin dying to self so that I could finally find my reason to live, which was Him. I look back now, and I can see the incredible ways that He has, and is continuing, to work in my life.

That’s why I celebrate my birthday today. Not because I want presents or attention (ok, maybe a little attention!), but because I want to celebrate the gift of life that God gave me. After years of wanting to die, I want to live!

It’s not always easy. It was just over 2 years ago that I woke up on a Sunday morning and the first thought that went through my mind was “I want to drive my car off a cliff.” But I didn’t go there. I fought back. I texted friends and then the next morning I made an emergency appointment with my doctor. Right now, I’m struggling with crazy awful panic attacks, but I don’t give in to them. I fight like hell to live in spite of them. I fight for the life He has given me and fall on His grace when it is too much for me. Because it’s not too much for Him.

If you are reading this, and you are struggling, please, please know that there is hope! And GET HELP! There is no shame in that. I would not have made it without the incredible love and support of my family and friends.

So… Happy Birthday and Thank You to Jesus for making it happen and giving me a chance to celebrate too! Let’s party!

 

 

A Bowl Full of Love…

I have been sick for the past two days. Today, I got a knock at my back door. There was one of the women from the recovery program I live and work at with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some crackers.

 

She handed it to me, with a get well wish and went back to her day. I sat down and cried. It was a gift of healing. That bowl of soup was like a bowl of love being given to me to nurture my battered body and soul. Every bite tasted more delicious than the first.

I am beyond grateful for her simple yet incredible act of love and kindness.

Picking Up A Cross…

Last week was a rough week. I was fighting discouragement and frustration, begging God to show me that He was hearing me.

He showed up. With a microwave. With the money for a GED. With some new, unused toiletries. With a gorgeous sunset out at the ocean. With friends who loved the homeless enough to feed them, no agenda tied to it. With friends who took the time to show me how much they love me.

Tonight… I know that He is here. He is with me. Even as my heart breaks.

Living a surrendered life is the hardest thing I have ever done. Continuously immersing myself into pain and brokeness on a daily basis takes a toll. I’m finally beginning to understand what it truly means to pick up your cross and follow Him. We were talking about this last week in church (although my pastor used the text that comes out of Mark 8:34-36). I have been focused on it tonight.

Luke 9:23-25 “Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”

My pastor made the statement in his sermon that following Jesus would cost you something. Tonight, I understand- it will cost you everything.

I don’t know how Jesus did it, how He still does it. I cannot fathom how He took all that on Himself at once, on a cross, and how He came back to life again after it all.

What I know is that He did. He does.

I have never felt closer to Him than I do tonight, and my heart has never hurt as much as it does now. But there is a beauty and joy in my heart right now that I have never known before. There is a peace within me that as I continue to walk this out, He’ll be with me. He’s got me. No matter what. And if the price for this is the cross He’s given me to bear, then I’ll take it. Because it’s worth it. He’s worth it.